Wow! This week has been tough. Full of uncertainty, worry, doubt, and pain, but through it all God has been so near and He has shown us SO MUCH! I can honestly say now that even if I could I would not change what happened last week.
The first couple of days I felt like a toddler crossing my arms, scrunching my eyebrows and saying "NO FAIR!" We felt singled out. We felt like we did something wrong and we were in time out. Then the weekend hit and things got real! I could not shake the thought that Arthur was not going to come home. I tried to ignore it, but it just kept nagging. I didn't even want to say it out loud. I felt like saying it out loud would somehow give it more power. Plus, I didn't want to freak Aaron out! I was confused. I didn't know if this was just a lie or if this was God asking me to surrender. I sat in church Sunday searching scripture, texting my mom, texting Aaron's mom. I wanted answers!
As I got up to leave, a woman at church stopped me and asked how I was doing... I told her "I just keep thinking the worst and I feel like God is asking me to give Arthur up. And giving him up fully means trusting Him even if we lose Arthur!" There. I said it! It was a miraculous moment of clarity. She, being a mother of three, encouraged me and gently confirmed that I was on the right track. It's something every mother has to do... and most of the time more than once.
Well, people it's Thursday and I have given Arthur up to God three times! ha! I'm feeling a lot of peace. I've had to grieve my timeline and sort of gear up for something new. I have a deeper appreciation for this process and what a gift it is that we get to bring this little boy home!
We are feeling your prayers and feeling so loved!
THANK YOU!!
The first couple of days I felt like a toddler crossing my arms, scrunching my eyebrows and saying "NO FAIR!" We felt singled out. We felt like we did something wrong and we were in time out. Then the weekend hit and things got real! I could not shake the thought that Arthur was not going to come home. I tried to ignore it, but it just kept nagging. I didn't even want to say it out loud. I felt like saying it out loud would somehow give it more power. Plus, I didn't want to freak Aaron out! I was confused. I didn't know if this was just a lie or if this was God asking me to surrender. I sat in church Sunday searching scripture, texting my mom, texting Aaron's mom. I wanted answers!
As I got up to leave, a woman at church stopped me and asked how I was doing... I told her "I just keep thinking the worst and I feel like God is asking me to give Arthur up. And giving him up fully means trusting Him even if we lose Arthur!" There. I said it! It was a miraculous moment of clarity. She, being a mother of three, encouraged me and gently confirmed that I was on the right track. It's something every mother has to do... and most of the time more than once.
Well, people it's Thursday and I have given Arthur up to God three times! ha! I'm feeling a lot of peace. I've had to grieve my timeline and sort of gear up for something new. I have a deeper appreciation for this process and what a gift it is that we get to bring this little boy home!
We are feeling your prayers and feeling so loved!
THANK YOU!!
Gosh, Heather...I have to admit...Just reading this makes me nervous. It's hard to imagine things going even the least bit haywire so far along in the process. I think I need to start surrendering Beda to God every day!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great (and awful at the same time) lesson from the Lord. We all have to be willing to give it all up for Him. Thanks for being so honest!
ReplyDeleteHeather,
ReplyDeleteAs Eric and I plod along in the adoption process, I often think about the chapter in Hebrews that talks about the great cloud of witnesses - the people who went before us in faith and obedience to the Lord. There are many people who are among of cloud of witnesses when it comes to people who have gone down the adoption road before us, but you two embody the "by faith" part in a unique way. I'm sure it is horrible and heartbreaking and difficult, but I hope you find some encouragement in identifying with Abraham, Jacob, and Moses...none of whom had an easy go of it, but all of who accomplished amazing and wonderful things for the Kingdom of God because of their faith. "By faith, Aaron and Heather surrendered their plans, their timeline, their son to the Lord, trusting Him to care for Arthur and their own hearts. Trusting Him to do what He said He would do and be who He said He would be." Thank you for showing us what it means to walk by faith. You bless us!
You rock, Chickadee.
ReplyDeleteI love the fact that you are so open with your fears, hopes, failures, and triumphs as you make your journey closer to Arthur. As someone starting the adoption process I can't tell you how much your point of view has helped me with my own doubts and fears. It's amazing how once you start the process you already begin to feel like it will never really happen. Anyway, I appreciate you and I have bawled my eyes out reading your blog so I feel like I'm on the journey with you.
ReplyDeletepraying for you! What a difficult thing to actually say. I went through that when our domestic adoption almost fell through. I remember physically saying that to God was one of the most gut-wrenching things I ever had to do!
ReplyDelete