It's very common for couples to choose adoption after struggling with infertility and a lot of people assume that's how Aaron and I came to our decision. I'm not gonna lie, this has led to some awkward conversations. Awkward because I don't want anyone to be embarrassed for getting it wrong. Awkward because I want to be able to relate on the level that maybe I can't. Awkward because sometimes I just don't know what to say, but something I've learned from these conversations is that trying to have biological kids can look a lot like the adoption process.
Around the time Aaron and I announced that we were starting the process to adopt, my brother and sister in law had been trying to have biological kids for over two years with no success and no explanation. When you looked at our lives side by side you would think that we were on opposite ends of the spectrum. You would think it would be hard to find common ground... not the case! Every time we got together to talk "babies" we found that what we were going through was very similar. Considering fertility treatments is controversial, it's invasive and involves a lot of self evaluation... a lot like adoption. We have both had to make very calculated, very tedious steps toward bringing babies into our families and the weight of the process causes you to stop and think. When your body or your application is being evaluated by a stranger to see if you're fit to be a mom it causes you to doubt and when the agency or the doctor can't give you a timeline it makes you CRAZY!! I'm so thankful for the comfort I've found in these chats with my sister in law. At a time when I thought we might clash, we grew close and I learned so much from her!
And I'm very happy to announce that come June I will be an aunt! ...and maybe a mom too ;)
The happy couple
I really like these posts, Heather, and of course I identify on a very intimate level. We feel kind of caught in the middle, and it's so difficult to explain to people our feelings and choices in this matter, and even more difficult to feel believed. I don't think we are infertile, the doctors don't think we are infertile, but after suffering through several miscarriages, we got really tired of the pregnancy drama and decided to start the adoption we'd been dreaming about since our engagement. Adoption was always our plan, something we dreamed about...I don't know why I felt like we needed to try for a biological baby first. Perhaps I felt like our adopted children would feel more wanted if we had a bio baby already? That was a fear I struggled with.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, it's difficult to explain to people that adoption is not our plan B, it is and always has been our plan A. And the absolute WORST is when people say: "Well, you know what always happens...as soon as you adopt, you will get pregnant!!!" As if a "real" baby is some sort of prize for enduring an adoption. I know they mean well, but...it makes me want to vomit.
I'm not sure that I even want biological children anymore...of course, I have to leave that up to God and realize that His plans are VERY OFTEN different than mine.
And, of course, I know there are many, many couples out there who didn't have adoption on their radar, and after struggling with infertility, they were opened up to the beauty of adoption. I think that is beautiful, and their story shouldn't be discredited because of their circumstances.
Anyway...thanks for such a thought-provoking set of posts.