Monday, November 11, 2013


People who know me well, know that birthing a baby was my number one fear in life! For some reason, I've always been terrified and semi grossed out by the whole thing. So it came as a huge surprise to find out that I actually LOVED giving birth. I LOVE breastfeeding and I LOVE being mom to an infant! It might sound crazy, but I just did not think I would love it. I thought newborns were boring sleep suckers that made your nipples bleed! I kept telling myself… "You just have to make it through the first year and you're good to go!"

I'll save my "birth story" for another post, but for now I will tell you that it wasn't ideal and it was almost 40 hours long. And even though it was sort of terrible… I wanted to experience it over and over again. In those hours I felt so loved, so strong, so weak, so vulnerable, so important and heroic! And when I finally met this second son, it was nothing short of a miracle! ...A second miracle! And yes, he is perfect!

Here's a recent picture. Ezra Golden, 4 months old :)

After a few weeks home, Arthur started to show his "big brother jealousy". In hind-sight it was all normal new big brother behavior, but I was really worried about him! He just wasn't' himself and I had a lot of guilt and honestly, a lot of extra worry, because he was adopted. I was projecting a lot of emotions onto him… really thinking I knew what was going on in his head and his heart and the stories I was telling myself kept growing and growing.

Just in the nick of time a friend of mine invited me to a class that Adoptive Families of Houston was offering. The class was titled "sibling relationships" and I knew I needed to attend. I sat through the class and unfortunately, it ended up being more focused on biological siblings that your child may have outside of your family. Interesting... but I was disappointed that the teacher wasn't telling me what to do with my jealous 2 year old!! I hung around after class for some free food and hoped to get answers from other adoptive moms. I suddenly went from awkwardly eating my Jason's Deli Tuna roll to crying my eyes out in front of a complete stranger! And I mean an UGLY cry!

I was telling her that Arthur was starting to observe and compare and ask questions about when he was a baby. Things like "Mama, when I was a baby, did you feed me a bottle?" For some reason that question made my heart break a little. I DID feed him a bottle. I didn't understand why the question made me sad until she said it… she pegged me! With her hand on my shoulder she said "Oh, you're probably grieving what you missed with Arthur in that first year."

THANKS A LOT, LADY! No, but really! Thank you, stranger from the adoption class! Being able to experience with Ezra everything I missed with Arthur really had me missing infant Arthur. It feels so wrong that I didn't get to carry Arthur, breastfeed him and comfort him in the wee hours of the night in that first year.  It's time that I will never get back and I have to grieve it and be thankful for the love that others showed him his first year.

So, in an effort to get help for my crazy 2 year old, I find that, actually, I am the crazy one.

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